A few weeks ago, I started writing a new blog post. I wrote around four hundred words then stopped. For some reason, unbeknownst to me at the time I couldn’t continue. It wasn’t the content of what I was writing. The hardest post I have done so far had been the previous blog talking about the day my dad had passed away. I am not sure as to whether this one I am currently writing is going to be harder, as I am writing it feeling the worst I have done for a while. Some may read this and think how is he able to write and be in the middle of a bad moment. I can’t answer that to be honest. I felt that if I was able to, then I should try. For that reason, I don’t think its going to be a long post. An opportunity to empty some thoughts onto the page in a hope that it may help in some way.

Up until the middle of last month things had been going better. I had regained control on my alcohol consumption having been in a bad place up until around May of this year. It had been just over a year since my dad’s passing and I felt a bit of inner strength to try once again to rid myself of the beast. It was tough at first but eventually I got back into some kind of rhythm and was able to stop drinking, get back to the gym and concentrate on the cricket season ahead. Something I know my dad would have wanted me to do.

However, around three weeks ago things started to slide. I didn’t notice at first, and I think that is definitely part of the problem. To still not be able to recognise the signs and warning shots. I hadn’t expected this to happen. I aspired to be stronger as time went on, and then the doubt started to creep in. My mind began to slip and to question everything I was doing. Days became darker and more muddled to a point where I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. When my head gets like that, some of my reasoned thinking goes out the window. Concentration becomes extremely difficult for me. An example of this will be when I am watching tv or trying to read an article or book. I can’t focus on what I’m reading or settle on something to watch. I will attempt maybe five minutes and then have to flick to something else. As I write this, I am finding it difficult to concentrate fully. I doubt I am writing what I want to convey, and I’m sure it is lacking any kind of coherency.

For the last week and a half, things have become more difficult to cope with. I have had a few things on socially and they have been hard to navigate for parts. Although I had been (in some ways) glad to go to them and spend time with people, I have also felt like I could have missed it all quite easily. In some instances, I can find it easier to go and be the person I am expected to be in those situations, and mask how I am truly feeling. I know that isn’t healthy, but neither is thinking like this in a dark room or lying in bed. My mind had got to the place where it was telling me over and over again that I wanted to drink. Needed to in some ways. To at least feel different. It’s exhausting to have the same message play over and over again in your head. Starting off as willing yourself to do something, then reaching a point where you’re justifying and legitimising it. You fantasise about the one thing you know you shouldn’t have to a point where it engulfs you to nearly every minute of the day leaving you feeling bereft of rational thought. Something had to give, and eventually it did.

Last Tuesday I drank for the first time in five months. Although, I have not had a drink every day since I have wanted to. That moment it all changes when the first mouthful hits, felt like a relief in some ways. Because of the internal battle I had been having for the past few weeks it felt like a weight had been lifted. Despite knowing full well, it was the opposite. I wanted to use this part of the blog to try and describe how I feel right now. Things appear very hollow and murky like the light has been turned down with a dimmer switch. I feel lost and ultimately just very sad again. Obviously, I know this is in part down to the alcohol which has only exacerbated the situation. But I still felt the same before I had drank. At times, thoughts of loneliness and being cut off from those closest to me makes me slide deeper into the state of mind I am in now. This is of course in many ways my own doing and not entirely based on reality. But it’s happening in my head right now, therefore it feels very real. I can feel lonely in a room of a hundred people, many of whom I’ve known for the majority of my life. I often wonder how many other people think like this. At times I can feel so very anxious about the smallest of things. Light tasks at work or even just something as simple as being in a shop. Fearing eyes on me or standing out for some reason.

Coupled with the mental side of things I have also physically not been too great. I know this has also had a knock-on effect to my mental health, but I can’t attribute it all to that. Maybe it’s just a phase, and I will be back on form again soon. But on the other side of that, a part of me has this deep-rooted sense that this is me. This is what I am, and maybe I am always going to be like this, and ultimately fail. Maybe I am not strong enough to get back to the person I was two years ago. At the moment, I really just don’t know. When I get into a cycle like this, I find it very difficult to break. Something provides itself as a catalyst for change. But at the moment I just don’t see that for myself. I feel an element of despair coupled with a sense that this is just the way it is for me now and I will always experience lows like this. I feel guilty for the way I am being. Knowing that I am causing myself damage and making those around me worry. It isn’t deliberate and feels unavoidable.

The blog is called Drown taken from the song by Bring Me The Horizon. I feel the lyrics perfectly sum up my state of mind right now and express in words better than I ever could. This really doesn’t feel like its my best blog but probably on balance is a reflection of where I am right now.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts