Author: nickdenton-23 (Page 1 of 4)

It’s been ten months since my last post, so I feel like there is a lot to try and explain but I don’t want to try to unburden this all at once. It’s too much. I was in a bad way October time last year. Drinking heavily and most days, not looking after myself and not really caring for much. In truth, I was very close to the end in December time. I got to the point in my mental state where I could not take it any longer.

This is why.

The twenty fifth of April 2023 will forever be etched into my memory. I will never be able to erase it. It started off quite simple as Tuesdays normally would. I was at work for 8 (ish) but subconsciously aware that something wasn’t right. My dad had been ill for the best part of four months and had been deteriorating rapidly in the days running up to the twenty fifth. At that stage we didn’t know what was about to happen. He started feeling ill around December time, we had attended a few scans, but nothing seemed too out of the ordinary. The doctors and specialists hadn’t shown any real sign they were too concerned, but yet something was happening. My dad had been diagnosed in 2019 with cancer of the lungs. At stage 4 the prognosis was very bleak, but he had battled so hard and his mental tenacity towards the whole thing was incredibly inspiring. He was determined not to let it get him straight away.

In the new year something began to go wrong with his throat, and he was struggling to swallow properly. There were multiple visits to hospital, endless tests but no real progress to get him back to normal. His decline was happening before our eyes, little did we know. We had originally thought something was lodged in his throat, and he was unable to swallow because of that. Sitting here now I know it was far more serious than that. Despite it being hard for him to eat and go about his usual routines he ploughed on and tried to do as much as possible. The new cricket season had started in April which of course was a huge priority, for us both. It still felt like he was always going to get better, and this was a small series of setbacks that we where working through. The Doctors still hadn’t communicate to us that anything was considerably wrong. Scans had revealed that part of his cancer had returned but not to the point where they were offering unwanted news. Maybe, they had spoken to Dad privately and he had not wanted to express the seriousness of the situation to us. I really don’t know, I never will.

Dad was brought down to Wansbeck hospital on that Tuesday morning around eleven. In the couple of weeks running up to this his condition had got worse. He was so thin. I don’t think I appreciated how slender he had got as I was seeing him regularly but the weight he had lost was staggering. I had seen him on the Sunday and on the Saturday as he had come to watch the first game of the season. A miserable wet and cold day at Alnmouth. Despite that, he still wanted to be there and watch the team play. Maybe to watch me as well. My aunty let us know on the route down to the hospital that he was being taken to palliative care. Immediately, hearing those words I became scared. You hear words like that and think right off this can only be bad. I rushed down to Ashington but got there before him, the ambulance was taking its time to get to him and transfer him to hospital. I had to wait in the café area, which was dreadful. I was on my own at this time, just waiting.

He was eventually moved onto the palliative care ward, and I could see him. The nurses were getting him comfortable when I got upstairs. Both my aunty and uncle were there with him, they had travelled in the ambulance not wanting to leave him on his own. We went to book some visiting times in with the nurses for the coming days as we were told this needed to be done. I thought this to be a little odd, I just wanted to see my dad not worry about the day after or day after that. The doctor who had initially seen him came back and spoke to my dad and us directly. It’s a moment I will never forget, something that I can still hear in my mind now. She said that over the last few months, all the issues he had been having with his throat had been his body beginning to shut down and that he was dying. I don’t think it really hit me at first because he was comfortable, and I knew he was in the right place to get the care he needed. It didn’t feel real, I still thought that he was going to be ok.

Suddenly, the realisation that what had been happening over the previous four months started to spread over me. Like a wave rising so quickly that we had no time to run from it. The doctor said that they would be running tests and that she would come back to see him in a couple of days with the results to provide a clearer diagnosis. It still felt like there was time, enough time for everyone to see him. My brothers were on their way, travelling from Leeds and London. Both would be there in the next few hours. It felt more calm for a moment, he was in the hospital and this was where things would start to turn around. My aunty and uncle both left planning on returning in the morning and I stayed with him. They way in which the Doctor had left things felt like he could potentially have days, weeks, longer. I hadn’t even begun to think about what was happening, I just knew I had to be there and not leave. I am unsure as to how long the next period of time lasted for, it is still very much a blur now.

The situation worsened very quickly. Dad seemed to be in more pain, so much pain. He had been suffering for weeks now without being in hospital so I felt relieved in a way that he could get some proper pain relief and at least be comfortable. I think he had masked how much pain he had been in partly to shield us from it but also to possibly not wish to come to terms with what was happening himself. I sat with him for what felt like hours, but I have no real concept of how long it was. The pain kept worsening and even the amount of pain relief they would give him didn’t help. Nurses are restricted as to how much they can administer to a patient. It wasn’t working and he was becoming more distressed. Nothing was working, they were trying to get him comfortable in his bed. When they would leave him, he would cry out for more, desperate for the slightest help. I remember looking into his eyes and it felt like he wasn’t there anymore. He almost looked past me or through me. He grabbed a hold of my arm saying could I go and get the nurse and that he needed more. I felt helpless, not knowing what to do. There wasn’t anything I could do other than sit with him and try to keep him calm. But nothing would work, he was just in so much pain. He was shouting all the time now, crying out in agony and I could do was sit there, useless and no help to him at all.

Every so often, he would drift back and realise it was me to ask where my brothers were. I think when he was regaining those moments of clarity, he knew he was slipping away. Watching him in that amount of pain will remain with me to the end of my life. I am struggling to write exactly how this all happened, how I feel and felt at the time. I’ve spent the last year blocking it out as much as I can only more recently have I made any attempt to understand what had occurred. I stepped outside the room briefly whilst the nurses and doctors tried again to make him more stable. As I walked back into the building, a nurse from the ward had come to find me and rush me back to his room. At this point my mum and stepdad had arrived. Both mum and I went back into the room and one of the nurses said he was dying. I felt like I already knew this having heard those words earlier but this seemed more like it was happening now.

I sat in the chair next to his bed. He was still alive with two nurses were leaning over him. After what seemed like hours, one turned to me to say he had gone. He was dead. My dad had died. I had watch him die in front of my eyes, not just in that moment but over the last few hours. I watched the life slowly drain out of him, momentarily replaced by something else between arriving at hospital and passing away. That wasn’t him in those last few hours and moments. I am extremely sad that my brothers did not get a chance to say a proper goodbye, but also relieved they didn’t have to see him in those last hours in so much pain and not knowing what was happening. When it happened, I felt a part of me died with him.

Some time passed, of which I have no recollection of and my brother travelling from Leeds had arrived. I knew I had to be the one to tell him. He pulled into the hospital car park, got out his car and asked me if I was ok. as soon as I said no, he knew. I could see the colour drain out of his face, the emotion wash over him. He was so important to us both, and to our older brother as well. The crater sized hole he was inevitably going to leave behind had began to open up. Our lives would never be the same again, and not for the better.

In the next few blogs, I will likely come back to what happened immediately after he died and try to convey how I felt in those early stages. This has been both heart breaking and liberating to write. I miss my dad every day. So much of life reminds me of him. Music, tv, sport, politics and day to day stuff. Our lives just aren’t the same without him.

Thanks for reading this if you have got this far. I don’t feel like sixteen hundred words is enough to really explain all of this but I had to give it a try.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

Well, where to begin? It’s been a while since I wrote anything. It’s been a rough time to say the least, and it continues to be. I am not going to talk about why in this blog. I don’t feel ready to unpack my thoughts on that just yet. The main reasons for doing this are primarily to see if it helps me feel the slightest bit better. Secondly, all my previous posts have been written from a place where I have felt in control and content with life. I wanted to write this one knowing that isn’t the case. I’m currently experiencing poor mental health. Which, in some ways is being fueled by a very unhealthy, unbalanced relationship with alcohol. Of course, for me they are intrinsically linked.

The previous posts in some cases have been offering advice based on my own life experiences and past mistakes. But at this current time, I am struggling.  I am writing this post nursing a really awful hangover. Something I have not done before. At the point of when I last wrote a blog, I was just over six months sober. On the 25^th April, my resilience was broken. And since that moment I have not had many days away from alcohol. I have done everything I am not meant to. I turned to the one thing I had spent the last year banishing to my history. Writing many blogs saying that drinking was not the answer, it would bring me no comfort. And yet, here we are. I’m disappointed in myself for doing this and yet at the same time, sitting here I don’t know what else to do. I thought by now just over five months on I would have got things back under control. I had managed to have two sober days this week. Both Monday and Tuesday, but last night I got caught up in the moment of being at the football, and afforded myself a few beers. The problem has always been for me that it is very rarely a few beers. I don’t have an off switch. My threshold for booze has risen back to the heights it once had, and I am able to drink like I used to. That is a problem, for so many reasons.

I feel I have lost control of something that I was very much in control of. Sobriety had been working. I was physically and mentally in a much better space and, genuinely thought I had mastered this. But then I was smashed into tiny pieces by something so traumatic, I don’t believe I will ever be the same again, I fell back into habits that I thought I had left behind. Going to the pub on my own for a couple of hours then coming home to continue the drinking, on my own. There is a pub at the top of the street where I live which I have been frequenting quite a bit recently. One night, a very nice chap came up to me asking if I was ok. He said that he had seen me in the pub a few times, drinking on my own and wondered why. We had a chat, and it was nice to converse with someone who had been recently going through some issues himself. Usually however, I am a solitary drinker and feel more comfortable that way. The effects of these last few months have taken their toll on me physically and mentally. I have put on weight through the booze, poor diet and not going to the gym. Mentally, I feel this is one of my lowest points. Not quite at the point of not wanting to be here, but very much on the precipice.

Of course, I know that drinking is not helping me long term. It is a short term high with many downsides. So many, as I have outlined in numerous previous posts. I have continued with therapy despite drinking and returned to the alcohol support team I had used previously. I have had support from those around me, but nothing seems to make me want to stop. When I had stopped previously, I felt I had a good enough reason to. This time feels different. I don’t have that same desire to end the thing I know is making me feel worse long term. I have dug myself into a crater sized hole where there appears to be no ladder or way out. I’m in the vicious cycle I have spoken about before. I know that some would read this and think, well why not just stop? He is not drinking all day, every day so surely, he can just stop. I can some days. Then others I can drink so much I pass out at home waking up in the early hours crashed out on the sofa or on top of my bed. I have pain rooted deep inside of me that I look to escape from, and at the moment the only way I feel I can achieve this is by drinking. For large chunks of my time, I can feel completely numb, unable to feel anything. I feel nothing. Empty, and at times completely lost and detached from daily existence. Some days I am ok, I can function and do what I need to. They have usually come after nights of no drinking. Then something will trigger me to go and buy some booze that evening or have a few pints in the pub, sometimes both. Previously, I had been stronger not to cave into any cravings. Now, I don’t think twice about it and fantasise about how nice the booze is going to taste knowing full well what lies in store for me tomorrow and the hangover I will have to endure.

As I said from the outset, I wanted to write a piece from a position of not looking back, but addressing where I am now. Alcohol seems to have its talons locked around me once more.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

I want to start this one by advising, if you are taking any form of long term medication do not forget to order your repeat prescriptions. I made the mistake (for the second time) of not reordering my Sertraline this week when I was running out. I ordered it on Tuesday and it didn’t arrive until Friday, going three to four days without it was not good. By Friday morning I felt pretty awful. Physically not mentally. It’s a very odd feeling. If you haven’t had this type of medication before I am not sure I can describe it coherently enough to put you in the picture. It made me feel as if someone had thrown Harry’s invisibility cloak over me, and yet I could still be seen. A wave of exhaustion and fuzziness proceeded to surround me. I went into work on Friday but didn’t feel right, I couldn’t wait to leave. Slightly bad timing for this to happen as I have started a new job in the last couple of weeks which requires a one to one meeting with my new Manager on a Friday morning. All this, I have to say is my own fault. I had forgotten to reorder my prescription so I can’t blame anyone other than myself. I came home on Friday from work and got into bed, a waste of an evening really. Not good, must do better Nicholas.

So if you follow the blog, you may have seen that I recently was involved in a podcast with my friend Ross from Aesthetically Trained. It was a really humbling experience being asked onto my friend’s show, which he uses primarily to talk about fitness. To feel that he was able to trust me to do that with him is a really nice feeling. I know how important his business and brand is to him so being asked onto that platform to share my experience was great. I hope anyone who is out there thinking of making a change with alcohol can get a chance to listen or watch it. Taking that first step to confronting a problem you may be having could be to listen to this podcast. It was very much like that for me. I watched a number of the ‘Sober Clear’ episodes and knew that I had to change. Watching the episode back it has reinforced why I made the decision to stop drinking completely last year. I have discussed in previous blogs how it has made a huge difference in my day to day mental and physical health. Check them out for more detail.

One thing both Ross and I said was we didn’t want the podcast to come across as preachy or judgmental. It is the same for this blog. I am not here to pass judgement over anyone or proclaim that you should be living your life in a certain way. All I am hoping to do is share my thoughts and experiences with you. What you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you. No judgement or condemnation from me, either way. Because ultimately no one can help you better than yourself. I had to make the decision that I no longer wanted to drink booze. No one could do that for me. Yes, I had family, friends and Chloe around me at that time, but they couldn’t be there 24/7 to hold my hand or watch over me. I had to make the choice.

Today is Sunday, you may have had a big night out last night or on Friday. You may have had a great night, no drama and feel fresh today. But if you have over indulged and maybe had that one last too many drinks, how do you feel now? If you are feeling lousy, you know I have been there. I have talked so many times about having the ‘fear’. The anxiety of knowing I probably did something stupid but not knowing what. But that’s ok. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The question to ask yourself is, well what am I going to do about it? You can make a change right now. If you want to. One of the key points I wanted to get across on the episode was that your time needs to be occupied. To fill the void when you cut down or stop drinking. You need to, believe me. Most people have a finite amount of willpower. They can go without something for a short period of time before eventually giving in to the devil on the shoulder. Certainly, I was no different when it came to stopping drinking. I would always say next day after a big session that I wouldn’t drink again. But I knew I would. The people I was saying this to knew as well probably. I had a great chat with a good friend recently who has started his sober journey. He hasn’t quit forever but he wanted to trial going sober and examine the results over a period of time. He has just passed the hundred day mark and has noticed a considerable change in his life. Firstly, his output at work has increased and he is currently in line for a promotion. Secondly, his sleeping habits have improved contributing the upturn in his work results, Although I haven’t asked him, I imagine his physical health has improved too. It really is fantastic to hear about these new experiences and relationships people are having with alcohol and drinking. I can’t stress enough the importance of sharing to your support network if you can or anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this subject.

So as I said, it could be you are reading this today (Sunday 16^th April) and you decide to make your change. Why not try a week with no booze? maybe two? See how you feel. No one is saying you have to give it up completely but hey you never know you might want to after a short experiment like this. Everyone has a different relationship when it comes to alcohol. How you continue with yours is down to you. I had mentioned in my last piece that I had felt a couple of wobbles. However, having watched the podcast I think is has re-centred and refocused my mind as to what I am doing and why. I don’t want to go back to where I was all that time ago. Yes I know there are going to bumps in the road and I am in no way perfect. But I can try to remain as committed to this as possible with the support of my family and friends. Knowing full well that it is for the best for me and for them.

Thanks for reading. Please get in touch if I can help you in any way with regards to your mental health and drinking. I would love to help.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

Dedicated to Joanne Blenkinsopp

Sobering Thoughts has recently celebrated its first birthday. I want to say a big thank you to all of the people who have supported the blog since its inception. Whether you read it, recommend it or champion it in any way I am very grateful. As I have said since blog number one, I wanted to be able to express myself in a way that I had not tried before to help assist with my ongoing mental wellbeing. But, it’s also a privilege to know that Sobering Thoughts has helped other people too. I had a wonderful message recently from someone I had been able to assist. They had managed to pay that forward and help another person they knew. By discussing their recent news, the topic of alcohol had come up which had led to some self reflection on weekly and regular consumption. In my experience I don’t think in some cases people realise how much they may be consuming until they have that initial discussion. One way to start this conversation is by taking the alcohol survey that is easily accessible online. I will post a link at the bottom of the blog.

Now there is likely a number of reasons people don’t know how much they are drinking. One could be that they don’t want to know. By inputting numbers (honestly) into a survey it may force them to address things they don’t wish to think about. Second could be a real absence in counting how many units you are consuming, however subconsciously I think people generally have an idea. Complete the survey below on drinkaware and let me know your findings. Units add up over the course of the week or rack up on that weekend binge you have.

I have struggled to consistently write blogs since the start of the year having only posted two since January. I am trying to work out why this might be. In the last piece I was trying to deliberate on whether I was and am a good person, or not. I am still working on that if I’m honest. It’s a conundrum in my head that I am trying to examine myself as well as talking to my therapist. Last time out I mentioned about coming off my medication and it is something that I am considering more. My hope is that it would allow me to feel more again. To enable my senses to be heightened and hopefully enjoy the experiences in my life. There is of course trepidation when it comes to making this decision. Can I cope? Will I cope? I am about to start a new role at work which will push me to new limits and come with more added pressures. Maybe it is worth holding back the withdrawal of my meds until I am settled into this new role and routine.

I want to talk about a couple of recent experiences I have had with booze and discuss them in more detail. I have had two days and nights out recently with firstly work and then with mates. The first night out came a few weeks ago when I was attending a work event down in Birmingham. I met up with all my colleagues and on the evening time after our sales meeting we went out for food and drinks. At first, I felt very comfortable having been in this situation before but then as the night went on I felt myself feeling like I wasn’t involved in the night everyone else was having. This was something I concocted in my head as no one was purposely trying to exclude me from the evening. So why did I feel like this? I had been on many nights out with friends and family and not felt these emotions come up. Why am I now suddenly starting to miss alcohol? Is my conscious bias towards not drinking wavering? It shouldn’t be. I know why I don’t drink anymore. I felt the same way again last Sunday when out with friends for the Newcastle game. I was among maybe fifteen or twenty lads who were all boozing and my head went straight to I wish I was part of this. I am slightly disappointed in myself for feeling like this, but it was inevitable.

Alcohol was such a big part of my life, it controlled many aspects of what I did and who I interacted with. This is going to be a constant battle for me, until my dying day. Easier at some points like it has been in my sobriety and then harder in other moments. But hopefully the harder moments will become less frequent as more time elapses. I want to stay sober. This is a choice I am making for the good of my physical and mental health. That is what I need to tell myself every time that little fella sits on my shoulder and says, go on Nick have a beer mate. If you are reading this and have a similar relationship with booze or you are trying some time away from drinking then please let me know. I would love to hear from you and understand what methods you employ to keep the devil from taking over. What I am accepting of is that I now have a different relationship with alcohol and socialising as a whole. As long as I am able to go out and act responsibly whilst not drinking then I will reap the benefits of this long and short term. My mental wellbeing will continue to grow, and I will not have those dreaded hangovers that I see friends and colleagues suffering from the next day.

I have to stay strong in my convictions. Try to be the man I want to be and then hopefully I can get to a state of mind where I ultimately know that I am a good person. Sobriety will help with this I am one hundred percent sure. I also need to keep up with my blogs, whether it is weekly or fortnightly. Bringing that constant back into my life and discussing these issues will help combat those feelings of doubt I had been experiencing on the nights out.

Thanks for reading. Take the survey below, it might make you think about how much you are drinking and whether that is healthy.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/self-assessment

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

The second of February should have been my one-year anniversary from quitting booze. Although it didn’t quite work out, I am still pleased with the progress made over the last twelve months. Excluding the one moment of weakness I had not drank in that whole period of time. Of course I regret that day of self-pity and my inability not to succumb to the devil on the shoulder telling me, that to break my sobriety was ok. But it happened, I can’t change that or hide it. I told you guys about it straight away. My close friends and family knew about it too so there was no way I could conceal what I had done. But undoubtedly that was a positive. If I had been able to hide it, I would have done it again and again. I was able to put it quickly behind me and move forward. I don’t want to do that again. Yes, it will be great to reach one year of no alcohol but does the time elapsed explicitly matter? Ultimately, they are just numbers and days counted nothing more. That was one of the key lessons I took away from that moment. 

Changing the subject, in this blog I want to consider one key question. Am I a good person? It’s a very ambiguous question and not easily answered. But it is a question I have been asking myself recently. I am sure that I am not alone in deliberating this. It’s an internal examination (sounds uncomfortable) I have been undertaking, but I did bring this up in a recent therapy session. I know that I want to think of myself as someone who has morals, thinks of others and is a caring person towards loved ones and friends, but am i?

Let’s examine further. We all carry around insecurities and exhibit flaws to the world on a daily basis, that is undeniable. I know I have many. Please see earlier works for a full back catalogue!! But flaws don’t necessarily make you a bad person and being able to recognise them is surely a positive trait rather than fully negative, right? The society and culture we are a part of has also exacerbated the morale dilemma of whether we consider ourselves good or bad. Social media can be a driver of this. Appearing to do something good on Instagram isn’t the same thing as being morally virtuous. I myself have definitely been caught up in that. You think if people can see you are doing a positive thing whether it be for yourself or others then it will potentially fill a void, but it doesn’t in my experience. I am sure this will resonate with people reading although they may not want to admit it to anyone (yet).

So, what is or makes you a good person? It’s a difficult question to answer. How do you quantify it? There will be undoubtedly varying versions of what it takes to be either good or bad. Ideas and concepts of this will come from factors such as your childhood and how you were brought up. Or where you learnt your values from. What is your definition of positive or negative behaviour? Do you know people whether it be friends, colleagues, acquaintances or anyone who lives up to your idea of what is good?

Answering this question for myself is challenging. I don’t know whether I am a good person, and that terrifies me. By asking this question it has released new levels of anxiety I hadn’t discovered before. I have always cared (too much) what people have thought about me so have naturally made a conscious effort to present myself in a certain way. Does that make me sound disingenuous? Maybe. I can be selfish, self-absorbed – Christ I am writing a blog that’s literally all about me and how I feel. Am I a narcissist? I have met a fair few in my time. Maybe there are different levels to this as I wouldn’t have considered myself in the same bracket. I worry sometimes that I am emotionless to some situations that require more thought and attention. I compare myself to those around me and see how they respond and my mind doesn’t react in the same way. One point to raise in combat to this could be the medication I take, the side effects of which can be sense numbing. But I experienced similar thoughts and feelings prior to taking any form of anti-depressants so I am unsure as to whether I can use that. Part of me would really like to come off the drugs to see how it affects life. I want to be able to cope with it but another side of me thinks that I should keep them because they are a crutch to keep me upright and correct.

We all have a past, and I have written about some of the episodes I am not proud of from my own life. When I’m reflecting on some of these memories and ones that I’m still not comfortable sharing I think well am I ok? Do I deserve to be happy? Will I ever feel completely comfortable in my own skin? I wrote an earlier blog discussing impostor syndrome and this is definitely related. I have good days, bad days, and indifferent days but more good ones now. thankfully. Although, there is always that seed of doubt in my mind thinking that a bad day is only a short turn away. I think that ultimately I want to be a better person so that should count for something. Would bad people think that way? But then again, if I am overthinking it, am I genuine? So many unanswered questions here I am really uncertain about everything. I know this one is going to need a good proof read before posting as its tumbled out onto the page rather than flowing coherently like other pieces have.

I write this blog having had a bit of a rubbish day so maybe on reflection in a few days’ time I may feel differently. It’s been a tough one to write but hopefully a good one to read. I am going to continue this next week as I don’t think all aspects of this can be explored in one blog.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

A happy new year to anyone reading this. I wish you a safe and successful 2023. Christmas and New year were as predicted a quiet affair. As I mentioned in the last blog, I am not a massive fan of that time of year. I’m usually glad when its over and this time was no different. However, it was a lot better than some of the previous years I have had with dubious behaviour usually clouding over any positive experiences.

For the first time in probably fifteen years (approximately) I didn’t have alcohol over the Christmas period. This resulted in the time off from work taking a different shape than it normally would. Christ, I even trained at the gym on boxing day! I certainly wouldn’t have seen that coming if you had told me that was going to happen this time last year. Training has become such an important part of my day-to-day life. I don’t think I could go back to not hitting the gym a few times a week. The mental clarity I am able to reach after an hour or two of lifting or cardio has become something I crave and want to have in my life every day. Last Tuesday was my first session back with the therapist since before Christmas and it was a grueling ordeal. Afterwards, I went straight to the gym. I knew it would make me feel better and distract me from what I had just been discussing. Previously, that distraction would probably have been a few drinks and a late night. This time, it was leg session. Madness how far to the opposite I have gone. The session with my therapist was a real unburdening experience. I had nearly a month’s worth of life to cram into fifty minutes.

My therapy sessions are extremely valuable to me, I would not be here today without them that’s for sure. They are part of the process of maintaining positive mental health mixed in with exercise, blogging and a full schedule. If you are going through something right now, my advice would be firstly, take the time to talk to someone in your close family or trusted circle. If that isn’t possible or you don’t feel you can, then talk to a stranger. Someone with no preconceptions of your life. Occupying my time is another key part of the ‘success’ I have had in transitioning from someone with poor mental health to where I feel I am today. A stimulated and occupied mind has a better chance of not letting those demons in. I appreciate this all sounds very simplistic when I list the above and of course it isn’t. There are people who are just not able to begin the process without help from those around them. So, if you aren’t in a bad spot at the moment check in with your nearest and dearest as well as colleagues or even strangers if the chance arises. I am not saying walk up to strangers in the street or start randomly chatting to people on the bus but if the opportunity presents itself, speak to someone. Ask them how they are. And then ask them again.

My session on Tuesday comprised of two main topics. Work, and my dad. Work is going well at the moment with some really good opportunities potentially coming up for me over the next few months which I am very excited about. I am fortunate to work for a very forward-thinking business who look after their staff and push for the development of its employees. One of my main aims in 2023 (more on this to follow) is to really drive forward my career with Summit Platforms. I have many goals and there’s many mountains to climb….sorry I was attempting a summit related play on words there. But yeh, driving forward with work is a real area I am dedicating focus to this year making sure I am reaching my full potential.

The main discussion and talking point of my therapy this week was my dad. He has unfortunately been diagnosed with a recurring illness, which he fought brilliantly back in 2019 and 2020. Without disclosing too much information on this, it has been a real area of concern for us all over the last few weeks. I am not sure if I can describe how important my dad has been to me in my recovery over the last year. He is someone I heavily rely on in my day-to-day life. I wrote a blog a few months back about my dad and the role he has played throughout my life. I know he will be reading this which makes me hesitant to say that I am terrified of losing him. We all are. We have definitely become closer since his diagnosis and my illness last year which has been a positive for both of us. I know ultimately that everyone passes on, and loss is something everyone has to deal with, but I am not ready for that with him. He has so much more life to live so I am hoping and wishing for him to react well to his current round of treatment. This may come across as a bit of a morbid blog but tackling this subject head on and not shying away from it is important.

It has been great to write this one and get back into the swing of blogging again. I know how crucial it is for me and my wellbeing.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

So, this will be the final blog before the end of 2022. I wanted to write a recap of the year and review the highs and lows, there has been a few. This is a very tough time of year for many people and sadly a couple of weeks ago I heard that two young people from Alnwick (my home town) had lost their lives to suicide. I would like to dedicate this blog to both of them and their families.

Christmas bring a lot of pressure, of that there is no doubt. With the current cost of living crisis plummeting many people into further debt have we lost sight on what Christmas is meant to be? It seems that for many it’s getting that perfect picture of everyone in matching Christmas pyjamas is vital. Or posting the inevitable, “he/she done good” posts on Facebook. Parents parading their kids online with all their new presents is more important than enjoying the time with them . For many families this year, having the money to pay the bills and live up to the high expectations of ‘what Christmas is all about’ will be too much. I am no fan of this time of year. Usually that is because I have done something stupid brought on by a alcohol fueled bender, which lasts from finishing work to going back in January. This year is different. This year will be the first alcohol free Crimbly I have had since being a child. This looks like a daunting task sitting here writing this, but I am embracing it as much as possible.  

Last Christmas I gave you…sorry that slips out so easily. Last Christmas I still felt very unsecure. I was only a couple of months on from my lowest point. I had begun therapy sessions but had not yet embraced them in the way in which I do now. I was still drinking, but acutely aware that it was getting to a point where I would have to decide on whether this was going to get a final hold over me. I decided to press on and enjoy one last festive period with friends and family. The new year is a blur, although I was not overly drunk on new year’s eve I made up for this the next day by having a massive session (mainly on my own) with a neighbour. I recall feeling a sense of massive disappointment in myself towards the end of the year. I still felt depressed, and that time was not being kind to me. The problem was the booze. I hadn’t stopped and continued well into the new year before embarking on the alcohol-free life I now lead. I have had one small return to drinking but having now calculated the days since I stopped to today’s date I have drank once in 324 days. I am pretty pleased with that considering where I was beforehand. My plan of course for 2023 is to be completely sober for the full calendar year. A new year’s resolution if you like. Life is full of challenges and mini setbacks, and I don’t for one second think that next year will not include tough times. But I feel stronger for the setback I had and want to continue this sober life not reverting back to my old ways.

There has been high and lows to 2022. I have enjoyed many things but had to deal with life’s challenges that have come my way. But who hasn’t? I know my situation isn’t unique in the sense of facing up to difficulties. However, everyone has their own shit to deal with don’t they and your experiences are yours to combat. The highs have included getting fitter and stronger with Jack at the gym. Something I would never have contemplated this time last year. I have had some really positive moments with work, and I am genuinely looking forward to next year’s challenges in that aspect of my life. I have been fortunate to go on two really enjoyable holidays visiting a new country in Morrocco with Chloe and then going away with friends to Valencia. Two brilliant and very different places. I haven’t written in detail about my relationship with Chloe coming to an end because I don’t feel it would be right to publish this in public. This is down to the respect and love I have for Chloe. I was very sad when the relationship broke down and struggled immensely in those initial few weeks after it happened. Again, I know this is not an experience unique to me and many people go through break ups but it was a difficult time to navigate through. I am pleased that the parting was not a toxic one and we were very amicable at the split. I want Chloe to be happy and flourish which I can see she is already doing starting a new chapter of her life in her new home. I mean this sincerely when I say I wish her the very best because she deserves that. We remain friends and I look forward to seeing her again soon when the time is right.

Christmas will take a new shape for me this year and enjoying the time with family and friends without alcohol will of course be different. I will savour the fresh morning feelings of not being hungover on Christmas day and make better use of the time I have off from work. As I mentioned at the start of this blog, times are tough many people and families will be feeling the strain of the current economic climate so if you are able to – look out for another and be compassionate. Don’t worry if you can’t buy every single present your kids or partners want just love them and be there for them. They will remember that in years to come and not some material object they will forget about by mid February. Christmas should be a time for giving, so if you are able to give generously to your local foodbank or charity who will be feeling the squeeze at the moment.

Take care everyone and have a wonderful christmas. All the very best for 2023. I will be back with more blogs in the new year so for now, goodbye.

Nick Denton
Sobering Thoughts

Sobering Thoughts has enabled me to channel my inner most feelings and thoughts. Opening up fully on issues I have had and continue to have. Thanks very much if you are reading this. If it helps you at all I am so pleased about that. I really appreciate the support I have received from people who have struggled themselves or others who have been affected by poor mental health in a friend or family member. Keep talking to your inner circle and support networks. It is vital that we keep supporting those around us in very challenging times. We are still deep within a mental health crisis, coupled with rising costs for living we need to try and take care of another as best we can. I have mentioned the organisation that I volunteer with, and I want to dedicate this blog to them.

Foodcycle is a national charity operating over sixty projects across the UK. The organisation has three aims which intertwine quite perfectly. Ending food poverty, conquering loneliness, and eradicating food waste. All of the aims are important to me and the other volunteers but what is crucial to this charity is that the guests who come along every week know that they are also contributing to combating the high levels of food waste we have in the UK. We are a community, a group of people coming together for that common cause.

The cost of living crisis is unavoidable. Up and down the country people are feeling the pinch. More and more people are now forced to use foodbanks or other sources of free food. Foodcycle doesn’t ask questions, for anyone who would like a meal, or some left over ingredients they get them. There is no referral system. If you need it there and then, you get it. I am not criticising other organisations one bit. I am setting out what makes us different. I try not to make these posts political but… twelve years of Tory austerity and stagnation has led us to this point. The country is in crisis, breaking point. We are not far from a general strike in my opinion and to be honest this would be welcome. Strikes are clearly a topical issue at the moment. Please please don’t buy the bullshit the right-wing hacks and media want you to bite down on. Nurses, rail staff, postal workers are not striking to disrupt your lives. They are on those picket lines to ensure they can heat their homes and put food on the table for their families, just like you. We need to come together and support one another in the most challenging times because you can be sure that your elected Government will do the bare minimum. It is coming up to the festive period. Please show compassion to your neighbours, your friends and family. If you are in a fortunate position and coping, try to help someone who isn’t.

Do you know how much food is wasted in the UK? Go and research online. It is staggering. And it isn’t just food at home we waste, the supermarkets throw away a colossal amount every year. According to a report by The Grocer, supermarkets throw away 100,000 of edible food annually in the UK alone. In fact, it’s estimated that the UK’s total food waste could feed upwards of 30 million people a year. Shocking right? I had never seen any of this until I started volunteering with Foodcycle. We collect on a weekly basis from supermarkets local to project who are throwing away food that is on or just over its sell by date. The vast majority of these products or ingredients are absolutely fine to use and consume. Have a look at the link I have posted at the bottom of this blog for some ideas on what we can do at home to help combat this issue.

Loneliness among the older sections of society is highly prevalent. With us only recently coming out the midst of a pandemic where the older and more vulnerable people were isolated away from large sections of the public foodcycle acts as a place where locals can come along and chat to one another along with the volunteers. I have to say this is my favourite part. I have met some brilliant characters over at the project I volunteer with. One of the regulars who comes along chats to me on what he has been up to, asking me questions about my life and telling me joke after joke. I don’t know if he is lonely or not. But the impression I get is that he doesn’t see a lot of people from day to day so the project is a fantastic place for him to come along to socialise with local people in his community. There are a number of groups who have now merged together into one and come every week to see one another. That for me is fantastic, and exactly what foodcycle is all about. I am immensely proud to be a part of this and feel very fortunate. I typically try to get over there once or twice a month after work on a Thursday night. On those evenings I will feel tired and for a moment it crosses my mind (selfishly) that I could just stay at home and relax. But then as soon as I arrive and get started I immediately remember why I am there and the enjoyment I personally get from this which I know isn’t important in the grand scheme of things but it does help.

If you are interested in finding out more information on foodcycle then follow the link below. Other similar types of organisations may be operating in your area so keep any eye out if you need to access any of the services they provide or wish to volunteer.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

https://foodcycle.org.uk/who-we-are/

I was really moved this week by the remembrance shown to the passing of Gary Speed. I think I can speak on behalf of every Newcastle fan and for the other clubs Gary played for, to state he was a legend. He came across brilliantly on camera and seemed like a genuinely nice bloke off it too. Dan Walker from the BBC at the time paid a lovely tribute to Gary. Showing us some great clips of Speed chatting to a man working on football focus. Dan commented that Gary always had so much time for other people and showed genuine interest in their lives. A special bloke. I watched the tribute from Dan and also the very emotional appearance from his friend Bryn Law live on Sky Sports the day after it had happened. I found it really tough to watch. Both Dan and Bryn both said there was nothing to suggest that Gary had felt suicidal or was close to taking his own life. I think the point they were making was that there can be no signs at all that someone is struggling. This is why it is so important to check in with your friends, family, partners and colleagues or anyone else to see how they are doing.

It made me think about how my family and friends would have been left feeling if I had taken my own life last year. Suicide is often labelled (wrongly in my opinion) as a selfish act. I can understand why people would think that, but I wholeheartedly disagree. You are leaving loved ones behind who will mourn your passing and that of course is terrible. But Gary and the many others who have taken the tough decision to end their lives felt that there was no other way back. I thought I had reached that point last year on that night when I did not want to return home. I had arrived at a point of no return in my head. But something stopped me, something brought me back and that was still a small desire to live. I wish that had been the case for Gary and the many others who have tragically taken their own lives. In 2021, there were 5583 (ONS records) suicides in England Wales. That’s a shocking number. But why is it happening?

Stephen Buckley from the Charity Mind said this, “Even one suicide is one too many, and men are still accounting for three in four deaths. The causes of suicide are many, complex, and vary from one person to another” Since the pandemic there has been a sharp increase in the number of suicides amongst young women. Young people were heavily affected by COVID 19 in terms of isolation and feeling very lonely when cut off from friends and peers. I discussed the issues of social media in a previous blog (see volume twenty-two) and this plays a large part in failing mental health in the younger generation. Seeing images of unrealistic body types or influencers living ‘glamorous’ lives, in amongst the vile abuse users receive online it can be a real cess pit.

We are in a cost-of-living crisis in Britain. Energy prices are soaring, food prices and every day items are increasing in cost. We are being forced to choose between heating homes and being able to buy groceries. In a country supposedly as “great” as this one, how can this be happening? Strikes are taking place across the country and rightly so in my opinion. I didn’t want to turn this into a political statement, but it is disgusting the treatment of public sector workers matched equally in the private sector not only on pay but also the conditions of their employment. The toll this is having on the mental health of the nation is damning of a government who literally don’t care at all, and an opposition who I don’t feel would be much better should they get elected anytime soon. Buckley goes onto say, “Our new PM must prioritise committing to investing in mental health services, including prevention and early intervention right up to crisis services for people at their most unwell,” I would like to think this would happen but realistically I don’t see it. Morale is at an all time low. I see this when I volunteer on a Thursday night in Byker. There are countless numbers of rough sleepers as well as others experiencing drug and alcohol addiction issues but the help and needed support for these guys is severely lacking. We wonder why suicide rates have gone up, this fundamentally is one of the answers. Families and individuals are forced to the brink and unless major reform takes place we will only see those suicide numbers increase year after year.

If you or anyone you know has been experiencing any thoughts like this then please know that I am always available to talk to or message any time. My contact details are at the end of this blog or you can message me through my social media to arrange any form of contact.

Look in on your friends, take that bit of time to check on your brother, sister, mother, uncle or any family member. Speak to your colleagues. Work can be a stressful environment. Sometimes a chat can make such a difference to someone’s day and outlook on the world. Keep talking guys, it really is so important.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts

nick_denton@hotmail.co.uk

I couldn’t let the anniversary of Eddie Howe taking over the manager’s role at Newcastle go by without dedicating this blog to the man himself. And to Jason, of course. Whom he couldn’t be without.

There is a more serious note to this blog don’t worry. I know regular readers come along to read something sensible and meaningful, and don’t worry this won’t disappoint. I wanted to compare and contrast the matchday experience I now have going to football. With not drinking anymore, football matches and days have taken a different route. One that I am embracing . I got my season ticket at Newcastle back in 2018. Rafa’s second season in the premier league with us. I started going with a few mates I had made and suddenly ‘going to the match’ became going out early getting a few pints down my neck before the game, having a couple more during and then going out after for, you guessed it. Even more pints. I couldn’t wait for match days because I knew it was an excuse to go on a bit of a mad one. I looked upon it as, well everyone else is going out and getting wrecked why don’t i? I can recall (ironically) having many days and nights out following matches and not being able to remember much from the day before. It is quite sad really looking back at it like that as I wasn’t fully present at these moments. I wasn’t enjoying the football and experience of the day to its full potential which considering how much going to games cost, is a massive waste. Christ, it got even worse when Bruce took over as the football was dire.

One bad night was over the festive period (I hate Christmas) which I seldom enjoy usually because I make a mess of a situation and get into some sort of shenanigans through boozing. We played Brighton the day before New Years Eve and quite a few of us had gone to the game. I ended up walking off from the group too drunk and not remembering where I was. Thankfully one of the lads and his partner found me and returned me home but it was incredibly embarrassing the next day when I saw them again. It’s moments like this I wonder why I never packed the drinking in there and then? Surely, I could see it was not wise for me to be doing it. Evidently not, or more than likely I chose to ignore it and plough on. I mentioned this today in my therapy session, I think I felt a sense of invincibility and arrogance that nothing bad was ever going to happen. After heavy nights I would utter the immortal words promising to not drink again but days would pass and I would think to myself, nothing bad has occurred so just carry-on mate. If you are drinking to excess and blacking out, then seriously talk to someone about it. I was very lucky, nothing too awful ever went down, but I came very close a few times.   

Match days are now very different. And for the better. I will meet friends before the game and not drink. I generally get into town around the same time as I would have done in the past for pre-match drinks. Now I go for a coffee or something to eat. I get into the ground fairly early to watch the players warm up. I never did this previously. It would be drinks until five minutes before kick-off. No half-time boozy beverages are consumed, and I stick to a coke zero or something similar. I appreciate this is really ground-breaking stuff…. But I wanted to describe it in detail to show the difference to myself. I love going to the matches, even more this season. I am present. I remember every game and small moments that I otherwise would have missed. I don’t crave the booze on game days which I am slightly surprised at. I have learned that this is the best way for me to still enjoy something I am passionate about and not let it be ruined by alcohol. There are no longer the pit stops on the way home cramming in as many pints as possible. I leave the games and go home. Unless meeting friends afterwards. To some, this will seem like I am no longer enjoying the day as much, but I can say with honesty that I am. Yes, it’s different but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good if not better.

Next week I am going to write a full piece on Foodcycle. The organisation I volunteer for in Newcastle. Thanks again for reading.

Up the mags.

Nick Denton

Sobering Thoughts