Sobering Thoughts Volume Twenty – Bad Life

Well, it has been a while since I have written a blog on Sobering Thoughts. For all the die-hard supporters out there, I apologise for the silence. I have not felt able to write anything with any clarity and needed the time to work on a few things. From the title of this piece, you may think this is going to be a depressive blog. But stay with me I think it’s going to be a good one. If you actually listen to this song by Sigrid and Bring Me The Horizon – Bad Life you will understand the ‘vibe’ I am going for. The lyrics sum up perfectly the lesson I have been learning over the last couple of months. The song, (which I have listened to probably around five hundred times now) encapsulates why it is important to tackle emotions head on and work through them as best you can, through any method possible that works for you.

A few weeks ago, I was in a depressive cycle and struggling to get my brain functioning for the easiest of tasks. I stopped taking care of myself – going to the gym, eating properly and application to my work suffered. I also didn’t write any blogs or undertake any therapy (she was on holiday so maybe that’s not my fault) and subsequently I was not tackling how I was feeling in the correct manner. I have stated (some might say preached) so many times on these blogs – speak to your support networks, professionals, or anyone you are comfortable with. In some respects, I was doing that. But I was also keeping some of my emotions and feelings to myself. Folks, this is not the way forward when you are feeling depressive or low. I am hoping that as this was the first real episode of poor mental health since I was poorly last year, I will learn from the experience and move forward a stronger person. In fact, I know I will.  

As part of this minor collapse in well-being I unfortunately had a slip. I am ashamed to admit it, but it happened, and I need to address it. I have spoken with family and friends about what happened, but I need to write it down to move past the moment. I went out for a walk in the local area, feeling down and the demons from the past were circling like sharks around a bloody carcass. I gave into temptation and entered one of the public houses I used to frequent. I bought a drink and sat there for a good fifteen minutes looking at it, contemplating what I should do. Eventually I drank, and in the moment yes it felt good. I knew what I was doing, there is no excuse for it. But it is done, and I have to get on and move forward. Reflecting back on it, in some ways I am glad it happened because it was one night in over two hundred in which I hadn’t touched a drop of booze. I have not wanted to drink since and have no desire to go down that avenue again. The experience has taught me that when things get tough, turning to that old source of escapism isn’t the right road to take. I am now stronger for the experience and feel I need to embrace it. Some people who may read this will think, wow weak guy. Going got a little bit tough and he slid back to the old tried and tested method of drinking. That is fine, it’s potentially a correct viewpoint to have. However, I am not interested in that opinion. The level of support I received from friends and family in the short moment of darkness was amazing. As I have stated before I am very fortunate to have an amazing network of people around me. I appreciate not everyone has that. I was really touched that a lot of the people that had come to me for advice or that had got in touch regarding Sobering Thoughts were there for me as well. Thank you to everyone for your kind messages and support, it is honestly really appreciated.

The main take-away I wanted to get across in this piece was advice that my mum and various other people drilled into me during this time. How you are feeling now is temporary. Better days are ahead. When you are locked in that moment that single bit of wisdom sounds like bollocks and in some ways you don’t want to hear it. But honestly, it is true. One of the key lessons I want to take forward from this is to remember where I was all those weeks ago and where I am now. I feel great and content with myself once again. Keeping busy and getting back to the methods I was using to feel better beforehand have returned and I am ready to move on in my life.

Of course, there is much to work on, but this is a long process (can’t bare to say journey) which is still in its infancy. There were always going to be bumps in the road and minor blips like this. But it is how we come back from them that we should be judged. I know that diving for a drink the first sign of hard times is no longer something I wish to do. It really doesn’t help, as I have stated before.

So if you are feeling low right now or in a cycle of depression you can’t break then please reach out to someone who you feel comfortable talking to. It may not fully evaporate the feelings you have inside, but through discussion and listening to the advice of those who have infinitely more experience than you, will help. I promise.

Thanks for reading.

Nick Denton